The Grass Is Always Greener...

Ahhh. I wish I could do THAT instead! Wait, now I'm doing that...but I really wish I could do that OTHER thing now! Ahh, now I'm doing that other thing, but I really want to do that OTHER thing now! Now I want to do the first thing I was doing again...and on and on and on. So are our days with Picks on the brain. It seems as though unless mom is sleeping, she is in a constant state of feeling uneasy, not ever really comfortable for long periods of time. Today, it seemed as though she wanted to change rooms and activities every 5 minutes!!! It took me about 3 hours to read and reply to 5 short emails with five short responses because we were either in the bathroom, or changing activities, never feeling settled.

It must be exhausting for her. That feeling of never feeling settled, like she's in the right place, doing the right thing for any length of time. We tried walking, coloring, puzzles, writing, watching tv, watching movies...this last 7 minutes of the Simpsons' seems to be sticking for now. Although when we tried that an hour ago, no dice...about 5 minutes and she was up again! What's trickiest about this is that mom requires 24 hour oxygen and forgets to bring it with her when she changes locations so I tend to follow her from room to room with her O2 and her H2O (she needs to drink more water these days due to medications). She's like teflon...nothing seems to stick!

What's tricky too is that it is making me the same way. I think today is the first day in a week that I've sat down to write. I can't seem to find my own sense of focus. I have begun to wander a bit, not really getting much done. I make the necessary phone calls and do the necessary chores around the house and trips to the store but no projects. And here I was hoping this would be my time for getting some of those long awaited projects DONE! Perhaps not. Pardonay Moi as she is one the move...AGAIN! I think we made it about 10 minutes that time! Oy.

It's harder to care for someone when not only can they NOT communicate their needs to you very well but they never seem to feel settled. I feel responsible for her lack of comfort. She is warm, fed, clean, safe and has comforts around her but her constant state of agitation is palpable. She's like a child you need to keep safe and occupied who doesn't have the mental capacity to focus and so she's always on the move. No stroller or crib to set her in while you shower. Speaking of...hope the hubby returns soon as I'm beginning to RIPEN here in front of the computer!

Ahh good. Hunger. That'll keep her focused for about 10 minutes!!! Yay.

On a side note, the other constant lately is her being on the precipise of major coughing fits where she can barely get air IN, turns red, gasps for air, and scares me nearly to death. She has seemed to develop a lot of mucus and is on an expectorant to deal with that, but as a result, when she is coughing a lot of that up, she damn-near drowns in it as she has forgotten how to get it out. I take for granted that when I hock up a loagie, I have the sense and the strength to spit the damn thing OUT! She does not. It requires a lot of hands on side coaching...and a bucket. Just one more of the daily "scary-waries." What's more horrifying is that for all these recent months before she moved in, she was alone when all of this daily stuff went on...no wonder we almost lost her in August.

Anyway, back to the title of this posting: All of mom's wandering makes me wander, I mean wonder, about my own sense of focus in life. While I can get the task at hand accomplished, over the last few years or so I seem to have lost my direction. Thankfully not to the extent of mom, and not BECAUSE of her...but nonetheless...where'd it go? I once prided myself and even received compliments from friends and colleagues on my ability to focus in life and "go for it." I once was a person who set out goals, high ones, and then just like, did it, got it done man. Three snaps! No more baby. I think back on that time and wonder what happened for me to get off track? I could blame falling in love, as I'm sure is the case, and then getting into our dream house and fixing it up, slowly fixing it up, and then focusing on mom's health...but is that really fair? Can I blame external influences on my inner sense of who I am and what I want to accomplish with my life? I think not. I wonder how it all happened and I want to know how to find it again, how to get that sense of inner drive and that feeling of knowing that I'm in the right place at the right time doing the right thing. I think that's partly why I started this blog. I mean, I know I'm in the right place doing the right thing for mom and there is really nothing I'd think I SHOULD be doing instead of this (other than SHOWERING...sorry, just waiting for that hubby to return). I dunno. It's just that feeling...like something is on hold. It comes and goes. When I think about it, I know a lot of people who have "gotten off track" so-to-speak. Off track from their original dream, the big one...the one that makes you feel really alive! I know what it is still...or should I say...again. I think for awhile, I really lost it. When I'd think back on past goals, they didn't do anything for me. I wasn't sure if my "big dream" was still the thing that got me all happy inside. But, when I dip my foot in that "pool" though lately, it still makes me shiver just a bit, a good shiver, enough that I think it still holds high value to me and my spirit. And that "does feel good."

I think maybe, just maybe, mom had a LOT of things in life that made her feel really good. I also think that recently, and as long as over 20 years ago, she started losing those things. They are now memories of what felt good. Maybe she is on the hunt in a way, always moving, never holding still, searching for just ONE of those things to have back in her life. The marriage, gone, the house, almost gone, the independance, gone, the career, gone, the friends...to an extent...much as I hate to say it...gone. But what I hope will keep her "warm" is that once upon a time, she did done good! She did SO MUCH good! But I'll bet it was hard to be so active and on the go and independant and then have it all come to a screeching halt. Leaves you feeling..."unsettled" anyone?

So how to help one find a sense of peace when life is full of No Landing Spot? I have yet to discover the answer to that one. Can't quite even answer it for myself right now. Just grateful when the oh so animated Simpson family can hold her attention for a spell, and even if it can't inspire her to laughter, it can take me by surprise every so often. I must write a fan letter.

As always, comments are welcome.

Forever in motion...the caregiver.